A Child’s Love

Yes, they smother me. Yes, they worry over me. Yes, they like to keep me close to home. Yes, they can be over-protective. But they are my parents.

I have had a love-hate relationship with this type of behaviour that parents subject their children to. This dark and ominous thing that hover over their head everyday - thoughts about what could happen to us, who can possibly kidnap us, or worse: who could break-in to your friend’s apartment door while you sleep over and potentially rape/kidnap/kill you.

My arguments with them while I was a pubescent adolescent were pretty much always about the same thing every teenager wants: FREEDOM. Freedom to stay out late with your friends. Freedom to sleep over your close friend’s house. Freedom to long drive with your friends to Niagra Falls for the weekend and stay at a hotel. Freedom to do whatever the hell you want because HELLO, I’m a teenager now (input sarcasm there*). But being a teenager doesn’t mean anything to our culture. My parents were brought up differently and the Filipino culture is one the keeps the children close to home and the parents close to their children (traditionally, when the children get older and have a fam of their own, their parents will live in their house, usually the eldest or the girl).

Then, of course, in every story, big events always mean big changes. Well, there were two in my life in relation to my parents: 1) in grade 9 I did something awful that my father verbally told me he a) doesn’t trust me anymore and b) he couldn’t look at me - it broke my heart to see that I broke his; and 2) when I was 19, I had a very verbally loud confrontation with my dad that led to tears and an “this is a moment” hug which clearly, after the 1st big event, you would figure, this is going to stop. No, that grade 9 incident was only the beginning of my change.

By the time the second big event happened, I decided that I would never put my parents through that again. The argument was triggered by the exact behaviour that I started this post with. I wanted freedom and I felt that he was taking that away from me. But who am I? At that age, who was I? I was my own person but I was selfish. My dad has gone through all walks of life whereas I was fortunate to have two parents who have and would sacrifice anything for their children.They deserve so much more and I am going to try my best to give it to them. Yes, they can be a little too much. Each parent has their own short-comings, just like every human being, and of course there are always going to be differences and disagreements with things but how I treat them will be that of an obedient daughter.

People see it differently: How am I going to learn if they don’t let go? How am I going to survive if they are always there? All very valid questions but little by little, they have been loosening their grip. A parent is always going to be a parent even after their children grow up. The worry will never go away. I am close to my family and so help me if I am the cause of any disturbances.

People say: we all deserve to “live a little” and “experience life,” your parents shouldn’t stop that. I say: to each their own. I have a different idea of what I define as “living life” or “experiencing life.” It doesn’t exactly fit the description and vision of what I normally see posted on tumblr or what I hear in the tv or movie. All I know is that I love my parents and I don’t want to be the cause of their pain over something like this simply because they love me.

It is a give or take. I would rather give to them than to keep taking. They have given me enough. Now it’s my turn.

So here I am, sitting in the place that I am renting almost 3hrs away from home, finally seeing that as hard as it can be for my parents to let go, they will on their own time. It can be slowly. Or it can be fast. Whatever it is, let your parents in sometimes too because you just never know…

Always, L.

Activated my sympathetic NS with the thought of ALL my readings and my orientation that starts next week. Breathe. Just BREATHE.